One Slutty Mannequin

I can honestly say that I never thought that I would write a letter to a company that had anything to do with nipples.  I guess there is a first for everything though.  I can not wait to get a response back!!  Enjoy!

Dear Mr. [Store Manager],

Let me start this email by saying that I don’t have children.  It’s not necessarily that I don’t like children; it’s just that the responsibility of raising a child into an adult whom people won’t hate is more of a challenge than I wish to take on.  I do, however, have nephews and I look forward to spending as much time with them as possible.  Today I had the good fortune of picking my six year old nephew up from kindergarten and taking him with me to run some errands before I dropped him back off with his mother.  I thought that Macy’s would be a fantastic experience for us.  I recall going with my mother to Macy’s when I was little and I always loved it, of course, back then it was Marshal Fields and before that it was Hudson’s.  But I loved it all the same.  The plan was that we would make a quick purchase at the jewelry counter and then run into the mall for a frozen yogurt.  By all accounts, this would have made for a pleasant night. However, “pleasant” isn’t exactly the word that I would use to describe the events of this evening.

Let me digress for a moment to explain to you that I whole heartedly support sex education in our schools.  I also feel that parents have an obligation to discuss sex with their children in a safe environment.  What I don’t feel is that a poor unsuspecting aunt should have to discuss any aspect of sex with her six year old nephew in a public shopping mall.  Why do I bring this up, you may ask?  Well, immediately upon entering your store, directly across from the purse department, there was a mannequin with the largest and hardest nipples that I have ever seen in my life poking through the thin tank top that she was wearing.  As soon as I saw them I did my best to distract him but as I’ve learned, a child always has the uncanny ability to see exactly what we don’t want them to see.  I tried to rush him past the monstrosity that was her nipples as fast as I could but of course he caught sight of them and had to point them out.  In his sweet and innocent little voice he said, “Aunt E, what are those?”  Now, I remember what it was like to be a kid and I always hated it when I could tell that an adult was lying to me; so I try to make it a point to always be as honest as possible with children.  I’m still not sure where nipples fall on my scale of honesty though.  After multiple attempts to change the subject I finally relented and told him what they were.

We breezed through your store much faster than I intended to try to get his mind off of your mannequin’s nipples and went straight for the frozen yogurt.  I love frozen yogurt.  In fact, I love frozen yogurt more than ice cream.  You know what has forever ruined the taste of frozen yogurt for me though?  Hearing my sweet angelic nephew make up a song that consisted entirely of the word nipple while we ate our frozen yogurts together.  Even as awkward as this entire situation was, it was nothing compared to having to explain to his mother the new vocabulary word that he had learned today.

I’m not trying to tell you how to do your job but, I have shopped in your store many times and I am fully aware that you have a lingerie department.  Would it be too much to ask for you to get a padded bra and put it on your mannequin to help tame her exceptionally erect nipples?  The holiday season is upon us.  Ruining frozen yogurt is one thing but I would hate for another family to have their Christmas ruined because their children are singing of nipples instead of yuletide cheer.

I have included a picture in case there is any confusion about which mannequin I am referring to.

Thank you for taking the time to hear my concern and I hope that this matter is resolved before my next visit.

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Frank
    Oct 18, 2012 @ 14:49:47

    Now I just have to comment – at first, I was going to say – this is just another victim-less crime – clearly your mischievous nephew was not harmed, nor am I – mostly you have just left me (and him) laughing!!!


  2. Jamie
    Oct 20, 2012 @ 00:53:46

    “Singing of nipples” – hahahahaha! Erin, I could definitely picture the scene as I was reading this. HILARIOUS.


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