Lent 2014 – 7: 10 Steps to Successfully Staying Single at 32

  1.  Never ask a man for help.  From cutting your own lawn to shoveling your own snow to even learning to change your own oil if need be, never ask a man for help.  Once I needed to get an elliptical machine down to my basement. I could have called a guy in my “damsel in distress” voice, but I didn’t.  Instead, I took that bitch a part and got it downstairs myself.
  2. Whenever a man talks about wanting children, make sure that all of your facial expressions look like he is talking about wanting an STD, because, well…. The similarities between the two are uncanny.  This will let him know that you do not share similar life plans.
  3. When uploading pictures to Facebook, make sure that at least 75% are of your cat.  Dudes really dig a chick with a cat and this will let him know that you have your priorities straight.
  4. When you go to a bar, be sure to bring at least five of your own dudes with you.  This is helpful in a few ways:
    1. It always leaves the possibility that you might actually be dating one of them.
    2. It lets a potential suitor know that you have options and he needs to step up his game.
    3. A potential suitor will assume that you have had relations with one, or all, of the men at some point in time. Or, possibly, all of the men at one point in time.  Either way, he’ll assume that there is history there and that you’re going to be drama.
  5. Always shit talk whatever he’s into. Cars, investing, sports, it doesn’t matter.  You just have to let him know that his interests are invalid.  And, your shit talk doesn’t even need to be that creative. For example, whenever I see a guy wearing an Avalanche jersey I just yell two words at him, “Red Wings”.  He knows what I’m talking about, no need to elaborate.
  6. Correct any mistakes that a guy makes.  Men especially love it if you correct their text messages and send them back to them.  Seriously though, “your” and “you’re”, it’s not that difficult.
  7. Be a good cook, but don’t be afraid to eat like a man.  Salads are for side dishes, not the main course.
  8. Spend more time on your punch lines than you do on your personal appearance.  Eye liner?  Not today.  Well timed, clever sexual innuendo?  Any day of the week.
  9. Become friends with his family.  While a guy ultimately wants you to get along with his family, he doesn’t want it right away.  Their initial objections fuel his desire for you.  Let him know that you and his mother are already discussing your wedding day.
  10. If some dude manages to see past 1-9 and you end up having sex, never let on that you’re interested… or enjoying yourself… or even know that you’re having sex.  If he seeks out positive reinforcement be very factual in your assessment and say things like, “You possess all of the complimentary parts that I was looking for.” Or, “You put that exactly where I intended it to go.”

Bottom line, don’t compromise on any aspect of yourself; compromise is how people end up married.  You’re young, you’re adventurous and you still have at least eight years until you start to look really desperate.  So enjoy your porterhouse, snuggle up with your kitty cat, and take pride in the fact that no one can drive a man away quite like you can.

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