Lent 2014 – 14: White Noise

Oh boy, it has been two weeks and I have reached the end of everything I have to say.  Seriously, I have said it all.  This is it.  If you know me, you probably don’t believe me, because I always have something to say.  Some opinion to share, some comment to mutter, some will to force upon someone, some joke to crack, some smart assed comment to make, some word of encouragement, some endearing sentiment, something.  I always have something to say.  But what if, with all my words, I’m not really saying anything?  What if my voice has simply become a white noise that people tune out because they are so used to hearing it in the background?

I wonder all of this because I work with a very unpleasant person and I see aspects of myself in her.  I see aspects of myself in her and I loathe her.  It’s like she is every bad thing about me all rolled into one person, and I hate her for it, just like I hate the parts of myself that she mirrors.  She is noise, she is constant noise.  She is banging, and slamming, and shaking, and there is nothing soft or delicate about her.  She is bossy, and rude, and abrasive and I feel her words cutting into me each and every time that she is around.  She is arrogant, presumptuous, and assumes that she is always right.  She is a constant buzz of negative energy like a swarm of African Killer Bees.  She is noise, and I just want her to be silent. 

I see her and my mood instantly changes and I get angry with myself for letting someone have so much control over how I feel.  I see her and I get upset because I wonder if that is how the world sees me.  I see her and I find myself questioning if I could learn to love her and, in doing so, learn to love the parts of myself that are just like her.  I see her and think that there is no way that she will ever change, but if that is the case, that means that there is no way that I will ever change.

But what if that’s the answer?  Maybe she’s not the one who needs to change.  Maybe I can change for the both of us.  Maybe I need to reach out to her with an open hand of love, instead of a clenched fist of hate.  Maybe I need to show her gratitude for the positive things that she does have to offer.  Maybe I need to find a way to forgive her for her shortcomings and, in doing so, find a way to forgive myself. 

I started this post thinking that I didn’t have anything to say, but I am finishing it realizing that I haven’t said enough.  I need to open my heart to her, just like He did to me.  I need to welcome her, honor her, and thank her for being a part of our team.  I need to tell her that she has value, that she is wanted, that she is needed, and maybe she won’t need to fight so hard to make someone see that.  Maybe I won’t need to fight so hard either.  Maybe.

Until tomorrow…

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Aunt Beulah
    Mar 20, 2014 @ 13:42:03

    Powerful writing: “She is a constant buzz of negative energy like a swarm of African Killer Bees.” I felt I knew this person. I also know your feeling of disliking in someone else what you dislike in yourself. I hope you plan of opening to your colleague helps.

    Reply

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