What I Learned from Spending the Weekend with My Nine and Twelve Year Old Nephews

  1. They fart more often than they don’t fart.
  2. Kids are hungry ALL! THE! TIME! How is that even possible?  I mean, how is that even possible if you don’t have a tapeworm taking up residence in your abdomen?  We would have a full meal and as early as 30 minutes after we were finished one, or both, would say that they were hungry.  But… I JUST fed you.  I’m having a hard enough time giving you three meals a day (I have a hard enough time feeding MYSELF three meals a day), I can’t be expect to feed you six times.  Also, if you require six feedings in a day, that information should be included on your “Proper Care and Handling” papers.
  3. It’s relatively easy to keep the kids from eating lots of junk food when you only have them for a weekend.

“Can I have fudge for dinner?”

“No!”

“Can I have fudge for dinner?”

“I said, no!”

“Can I have fudge for dinner?”

‘For the last time, NO!”

I imagine that there has to come a point when a parent has reached their wits end and the conversation goes more like this.

(For the 27th time) “Can I have fudge for dinner?”

“Oh for fuck’s sake!  I don’t care!  I really don’t care!  Eat the fudge!  Eat all of the damn fudge!”

  1. They lift the toilet seat up yet somehow still manage to pee on the TOP of the seat. Like….   Does the pee hit the lid and ricochet back onto the top of the seat?  And if that’s the case, I would rather they just pee with the seat down and wipe it off.
  2. They don’t wear watches but constantly want to know what time it is, how long it will take to get somewhere, and how much time they will spend once they do get there.
  3. Boys, much like elements, have a natural state in which they exist. For example, hydrogen is a gas at room temperature, gold is a solid at room temperature.  For boys, their natural state is to be wrestling.  I don’t mean just aggressive wrestling (of course that happens too). I mean a constant state of motion to establish dominance over one another.  If their feet are in close proximity, they are wrestling with their feet.  If their thumbs are in close proximity, they will have a thumb war.  With the exception of when they are in a resting state, they are in constant wrestling motion.
  4. Even though they may fight all day, in the quite moments they are still really affectionate with each other. They may be playing games on their phone, but they are snuggled up as they do so, because it is still okay for them to enjoy the closeness and security that their brotherhood offers.
  5. While they are nine and twelve I can still make them laugh. I can be a storyteller and spin them a tale of make believe and they will still offer me any details that I may have left out, instead of questing the authenticity of my stories.
  6. While they are nine and twelve I can still snuggle with them on the couch while we watch a movie and fall asleep.
  7. While they are nine and twelve they still believe that I know the answer to every question. They trust me when I say that the world is beautiful and their dreams are theirs for the taking. While they are nine and twelve, they are perfect!
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